Is how much love hurts when it ends. Sure love is a beautiful thing… but when situations become messy… love fucking hurts. Having to accept that things are over for a relationship when it’s not over in your heart is pretty hard to do. When everything you do somehow links back to a person and you can’t do anything about it… fml right?
Yesterday I saw my ex-girlfriends culture show and it was both the biggest mistake of my life as well as the final reassurance I needed. For over two years now, I had been kept from all parts of her social life and last night I realized why. The girl I saw on stage, the person who I thought I knew inside and out, was a complete stranger. This life that she has outside of me… is a place where I don’t fit in. The smile on her face was one that I could never give to her.
A few weeks ago, I told Shar I wanted to take the next step with her, to be on a more serious level… she responded by breaking up with me and telling me she wanted freedom and to live her life. Last night, I saw why.
Although it definitely hurts, the saddest part about an ending love isn’t the loneliness or missing the person, it’s the accepting and letting go. As much as you want to refuse to believe it and no matter how hard you may try, sometimes, at some point you have to accept its over. Then it only gets worse when you actually have to let go. The urge to text or call them, to see them, or the “I wonder if they are thinking about me” questions only get worse. The feelings stronger and it feels like you will never be okay.
Although I know that one day I will, and that this is only making me stronger. Nothing can take away the fact that I’m hurting right now and that this is hard. It’s still very real in my heart and trying to let go has been a roller coaster of emotions. Do I regret loving this hard? Absolutely not. I just wish I would have been prepared for the heart break.
